5 Lessons After 5 Years of Marriage
I cannot comprehend how I’ve been married for five years! Time certainly does fly when you’re having fun. A lot has changed since October 12, 2019, and I have truly been blessed with a wonderful wife and a beautiful life. So as is my tradition I want share my reflections on what I’ve learned about marriage. Over the last year I have gotten the privilege to counsel a young couple seeking marriage, sit with two wives who said goodbye to their husbands, and pray with a husband whose been faithful despite witnessing the slow creep of death take his beloved. It has been a true privilege to be invited into those moments to help bare the heart ache and joy. Through it all it has deepened my understanding of love, care, and marriage. I know marriage can be challenging for some and certainly all marriages are imperfect (mine included). My prayer and hope for this article is simply that it would bless your marriage in some way.
1. Say it out loud
Our spouses pour so much into our families. There is a real sacrifice required when you connect your life with another in marriage. In both big and small ways your spouse gives of themselves for your benefit, I pray you do as well. Not everyone grew up in a home full of words of affirmation and appreciation. For some of us uttering out loud our delight and thankfulness for our spouse is difficult and awkward. Here is the cold hard truth, where appreciation is missing bitterness will grow. If you or I do not name what our spouses sacrifice for us and express gratitude, then their service will either cease or be a drudgery. There is a sweet and beautiful connection between a husband and wife when there is not only a mutual appreciation, but that appreciation is expressed. So, do you appreciate your spouse? If yes, then say it out loud.
2. Make the pancakes
It’s Saturday night, one of those days when only one meal is planned but two are needed. Usually this ends up with us scouring the leftovers or eating more dip than a human should in a sitting. Victoria says, “what I really want are some pancakes.” In our house, I make the pancakes. I’m sure you can relate; we each have our own specialties. To be honest making pancakes would have been inconvenient and we had other food to heat up. After thinking about it, I got the pan out. I made pancakes that I was not going to eat and delayed my own queso and chips dinner. I understand this is a small and silly thing, but I’m telling you it’s the small things like this that build a healthy relationship. The slight inconvenience was worth the smiles, happiness, and full bellies of my wife and baby. Make the pancakes.
3. Care for each other
I was given this advice five years ago from a man who now has been married 60 plus years. I got a lot of marriage advice before our wedding, and this has stuck with me. He has diligently cared for his wife for nearly a decade through a slow and gentle decline in her health. He has become a true hero in my eyes, for doing nothing else than remaining faithful to the commitment he made, “in sickness and in health”. He told me to care for each other when you don’t have to, because it will make it easier when its necessary. The general rule in our home is that when your sick you get the princess/prince treatment or in other words you get taken care of. I have heard so many heartbreaking stories of divorces or harsh treat happen to people when a long-term sickness begins to impact their marriage. I can’t help but think that the party who leaves didn’t practice care when it was easy and unnecessary. God has given you a helpmate to aid you in this life, care for them.
4. Take the candid
Admittedly these last two may apply more to men. Take candid photos of your wife. I remember a Mother’s Day gone by wanting to get the men of the church to send us photos of their moms and wives for a video tribute. Ultimately, we had to get most of the pictures from the moms and wives themselves. Talk about a face palm moment. Gentlemen, take pictures of your wives. Sorry let me rephrase that, take good pictures of your wives. Catch a sweet moment between your wife and kids? Snap a quick photo. Is she looking particularly stunning on date night? Snap a picture of her as she looks off into the distance. You’re on vacation and she is unburdened and laughing? Snap a picture. You get the idea. Please on behalf of your wife, capture the beautiful moments she has with you and the kids. I promise once you start looking, your enjoyment of your wife and life will increase. And if you share the pictures with her you will start to learn what she considers a good picture. Also, she will be super appreciative to have those moments captured forever.
5. Pay attention and take notes
Holiday season is coming up, but this applies year-round. You need gift ideas, and it gets difficult after a while. Look you have Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Mother’s/Father’s Day, Anniversary, and Birthday. There are five gift buying opportunities a year, that is one gift buying holiday for your spouse every 73 days. Even if you go simple on Valentine’s & Mother’s Day and do flowers and a nice meal, you need to know what you spouse likes. Here is a pro-marriage tip, if your spouse grabs something at a store and says oh I like this, make a note of it. Better yet take a discreet picture. This is the time of year to double check your spouse’s size and put them in your note’s app on your phone. Swing by the jewelry counter at the mall and point at things and ask, “what do you think of that?” Here is the key; you must listen to the answer. Because if you listen it may unlock an entire category of jewelry not just one item. You need pay attention and pick up the clues. You need to take notes because you are human and will forget. As the son of a father who messed up a number of holidays with not so thoughtful gifts, please pay attention and take notes. One of the best gifts you can give your kids this holiday season is a spouse who feels seen, known, and loved.
There is always more to learn and grow into in marriage. It’s my sincere hope that these five things that I’ve learned can impact your marriage positively. Marriage is a beautiful gift, but that doesn’t mean it can stay beautiful due to neglect. The world is a better place when it has more healthy marriages. So, gentlemen love your wives. And ladies, love your husbands. Let us make this world a better place to live in.