4 Lessons Learned in Four Years of Marriage
This year has been an absolute whirlwind and I’m just starting to feel like I’m catching my breath. Half of the year Victoria was pregnant and the other half we’ve been learning how to parent. We’ve had some amazing highs and frustrating lows. But through it all we’ve had one another. After another year of marriage more lessons have been learned and perhaps relearned. Like I always do I want to preface this with a simple reminder, I’m not an expert. People don’t call me to speak at marriage conferences or create marriage small group studies. What I share here are simply my own thoughts based on my own experiences living with an amazing wife as a flawed man. I hope you find encouragement and perhaps humor (if you think I’m naïve).
Love Grows
I think sometimes we get this idea that we couldn’t possibly love more. We can think of love as if it’s a zero-sum game, but the reality is that love grows to fill the container we give it. The love I had for Victoria has grown and now includes this awesome baby. I didn’t have to rob Victoria of affection to show love to Alfred. This year we got to experience something truly remarkable. First, pregnancy and then birth. Through all of it our love has grown for one another and then extended to our new baby. This isn’t to say that everything has be easy or smooth sailing, but simply through everything love has grown. We’ve also let it grow and I think that sometimes through difficulty or life change the temptation is to look inward and be protective. That approach stifles growth. Give love as big of a container as you can and watch God grow it.
Teamwork Makes the Dream Work
Having a newborn is overwhelming and can fray your emotions, energy, and patience. Having a partner means we can take turns and cover for one another when our cup runs empty. Alfred is such a good baby and a tremendous blessing, but this wouldn’t work without teamwork. Communication is key and knowing our limits is paramount. Even knowing your spouse well enough to step in before they ask, or break is huge. We’re in a season that includes a newborn, but this is a lesson that I believe is valuable for all stages of marriage.
Being Present is Enough
Sometimes life hurts, it’s disappointing and stressful. Solving the problems and smoothing over the emotions is an extremely appealing thing to do, but sometimes being present enough. Not every bump in the road can be smoothed. The beauty of marriage is the comfort of knowing you’re not alone. Giving space for one another to process, mourn, and feel can be extremely life-giving. This year has had plenty of just-be-present moments. Whether it’s been work, car trouble, delivery room, or 3 am with a crying baby the solidarity of presence has been fortifying. Being a man in the delivery room is a pretty helpless feeling. Watching Victoria go through a struggle and pain I couldn’t comprehend or really fix drove this point home for me. I did little things I thought were helping, but mostly I was just there. I think men especially can get caught up in fixer mode and we forget the value of being present and absorbing our wife’s struggles and emotions.
Hold on to Rhythms and Traditions
Just four years into our marriage we’ve already developed some pretty set traditions. One such tradition is our anniversary trip. We call them our moon trips, short for honeymoon. But we’ve set aside a time around October 12th to get away. It’s pretty lowkey with a high value on coziness, closeness, and relaxation. Now with a new baby, we wondered what our trip would look like. Should we take little man with us or not? Should we even go on a trip? We decided to drop Alfred off at grammy’s for two nights and go to Prairie Du Chien. Holding this rhythm was so important for us. Getting two uninterrupted nights of sleep, waking up late, aimlessly wondering without tracking bottles was much needed. Of course, we missed our little dude and facetimed him before bed, but holding the tradition was exactly what we needed. Rhythms and traditions provide us with stable structures that help us navigate life.
I admit this is a rather short list. I don’t know if I just didn’t learn as much this year or if it’s the interrupted nights that made retention harder. These are just four small things that I’ve noticed over this past year. Marriage, well the best marriages have people in them who are lifelong learners. They never get complacent with what they know about themselves or their spouse. There is a lot more for me to learn and relearn. I pray this humble list blessed you in some small way.